Life is phenomenal!....I do want to clarify that.  I was told today that my posts have been angst-filled of late, and though I don't completely agree, I can see where that might be perceived.

My posts have been real.  What I have been thinking about lately.  Questions I have had.  Little things I am going through or feeling.  But I must highlight the word "little".  The things that cross my mind are not issues.  They are not crucial.  They are just things. 

Some are nusances.  Some are gnats buzzing around my ears.  Some are bigger.  But my God is bigger still.  My blessings overflow.  My life is amazingly wonderful.

My brain is empty...zilch...zero...nothing.  Many days I am actually able to say that.  There are moments that it dawns on me that I am not thinking anything.

Today is not that day and this moment is not that moment!  Many thoughts are swimming around in my head.  Swirling as though pieces of dust seen in a ray of light.  Forever coming and going and never settling in one spot.

Marriage, the ability to be "real" with someone, devotion to the wrong things, ability (or inability) to do what God has called me to do, exhaustion, menopause, flab, homeschooling, fear of disappointing people, thinking I had worked so hard to change only to discover that it my change isn't showing to others.......

These are just a few of the pieces of dust floating and swirling around within me lately.  There are so many others!

I think I prefer to have more empty days.  :)

So many things happening here lately!  We are not ones to let too much grass grow under our feet...ok...the actual yard doesn't count!  We have a hard time getting that grass mowed.  :)  But in general, we stay busy, moving from one activity to another with the speed I don't think even a hummingbird could compete. 

For Italy:  we have had to order all of our certificates (birth and marriage) in their long forms.  We have gotten those back from the four states that we need to deal with, only to send them right back out to each Secretary of State office for the four states to get apostilled.  The apostille is a government piece of paper saying that the certificate is official.  Seems a bit like overkill, but it is required so there you are.

We just received our first apostilled document back in the mail yesterday!  It was pretty exciting for me to see that come in.  Because of Ben's seminary work, I have been tasked to take care of all paperwork relating to our move and relocation.  I am learning a ton in the process.  Mostly, I am learning about God's grace for me.  Now for 7 more documents and that part will be over.

After they all come back, I will send them to  gal in town who is on the consulate list of approved translators.  All of our documents need to be translated into Italian. 

For Family:  Kally just celebrated her 11th birthday!  It seems like just yesterday she was born and added to our family making us a family of 5 instead of 4.  She is a joy...never tiring of trying to get things right.  She is always trying to make people happy with her gifts, talents, and abilities. 

Also...the day after Kally's birthday, Ben and I celebrated our 25th anniversary.  The day we married, I don't know that I could have imagined how quickly this day would get here.  I think I would have expected more fanfare, trumpets blowing, parades, balloons, etc...But in reality, the day was just as we live...steady, calm, quiet, and peaceful.  After several years of watching and hearing about so many friends giving up on their marriages, a peaceful day was a blessing, knowing that we haven't and won't give up.  We want to finish well.

And so, life goes on.  There is a saying in Italy, "the sweetness of doing nothing"....I am anxious to try that out.  :)

I am awkward...just getting it out there (as one of my sweet daughters says). 

When I look back on my life and then see where I am now, the awkward level hasn't changed.  Still up there, pretty close to the top!

Most days that's ok with me.  I drift through life blissfully unaware of my state of awkwardness; and sometimes can even fool myself into thinking that I am much lower on the awkward totem pole.  But when I get those rose-colored glasses off, I see clearly where and what I am. 

I rarely feel awkward at home, with my own immediate family.  But when I walk through my front doors heading into the world, it falls upon me like a fine layer of  mist.  Covers me all over from head to toe...front to back...sideways and longways.

I have had 5 periods of time when I didn't feel awkward.  They all revolve around when God has provided a best friend for me.  I can picture each of those 5 as clearly as though they were sitting right in front of me.  They are 5 beautiful pictures of grace, loving kindness, and mercy.

Currently, God has not provided a best friend for me.  Oh, don't get me wrong, HE has provided great people who smile when they see me, who embrace me with love, and who care about me.  But a best friend....who, in their presence, I don't feel awkward...no.  This was, once again, proven to me last night at a get together with women I love and enjoy dearly, but the awkward mist was swirling around at maximum speed.  Of course, it didn't help that I let my mouth run away a bit and when I finished, there were six eyes staring at me, and three mouths gaping just a bit.  Two seconds later, the mist left it's swirling and once again, just settled back on me.

And that's ok!  As I have gotten older, I have been shown that most of the things I have felt are exactly the same things that other women feel.  They just seem to be much better at handling it.  :)  I will continue to walk through life in a blissful state of not-acknowledging-my-awkwardness and, for the most part, be perfectly fine with that.

Grace....it's what's for your life!

I not only love the idea of grace, I love the reality of it.  I love being a recipient of grace.  God has given me so much...lavished it upon me.   I don't even come close to deserving what God has given to me. 

I try to live worthy of what I have been blessed with, but I fail miserably.  I am ugly, mean, judgmental, opinionated, rude....well, the list could go on probably forever.  I WANT to be a mirror image of Christ.  I WANT to be an ambassador for the kingdom of  God.  I WANT to be a person of grace.

So...I will continue in my endeavor to be the bearer of grace. 

Yoda would say, "Chicken, you are!"

I have realized that that statement is very true!  I am not brave or courageous.  Instead, I am a great avoider and a giant chicken.

I hate going to see my Daddy where he now lives.  Almost exactly a year ago, Daddy was placed in an assisted living facility because of his progressing Alzheimer's.  He is gentle and kind and very easy to be with.  But I find that as I leave his new home, I am extremely sad and can't seem to stop myself from crying...every time...even a year later.

It's not really about me.  I know this.  It is about all the things Daddy has done over the years to be the best dad ever.  He sacrificed.  He got out of himself to do the best things for our family.  He doted on me and pretty much gave me everything I have ever wanted.  He loved me dearly and I have never questioned that.  When all other things in my life have been in upheaval, the fact that Daddy loved me never was.  He was true blue.  Steady Eddy.  Gentle giant of a man.

I have much maturing to do in this area; to live my life as he has...sacrificially, outside of myself for the betterment of my family, wholly devoted to others.