I am awkward...just getting it out there (as one of my sweet daughters says).
When I look back on my life and then see where I am now, the awkward level hasn't changed. Still up there, pretty close to the top!
Most days that's ok with me. I drift through life blissfully unaware of my state of awkwardness; and sometimes can even fool myself into thinking that I am much lower on the awkward totem pole. But when I get those rose-colored glasses off, I see clearly where and what I am.
I rarely feel awkward at home, with my own immediate family. But when I walk through my front doors heading into the world, it falls upon me like a fine layer of mist. Covers me all over from head to toe...front to back...sideways and longways.
I have had 5 periods of time when I didn't feel awkward. They all revolve around when God has provided a best friend for me. I can picture each of those 5 as clearly as though they were sitting right in front of me. They are 5 beautiful pictures of grace, loving kindness, and mercy.
Currently, God has not provided a best friend for me. Oh, don't get me wrong, HE has provided great people who smile when they see me, who embrace me with love, and who care about me. But a best friend....who, in their presence, I don't feel awkward...no. This was, once again, proven to me last night at a get together with women I love and enjoy dearly, but the awkward mist was swirling around at maximum speed. Of course, it didn't help that I let my mouth run away a bit and when I finished, there were six eyes staring at me, and three mouths gaping just a bit. Two seconds later, the mist left it's swirling and once again, just settled back on me.
And that's ok! As I have gotten older, I have been shown that most of the things I have felt are exactly the same things that other women feel. They just seem to be much better at handling it. :) I will continue to walk through life in a blissful state of not-acknowledging-my-awkwardness and, for the most part, be perfectly fine with that.